Male Bonding
by JoJo32074
Summary: President Shinra is tired of the constant bickering between Hojo and Hollander. Therefore, he has a plan to make them get along, but will they? Rated T for strong language.


"You two," President Shinra said, "You two need to get along. I am tired of your constant bickering. You," he pointed to Professor Hojo, "Need to quit egging on your colleague. And you," He pointed to Professor Hollander, "Need to get over this jealousy. Professor Hojo worked hard for his promotion with great success; you still have flaws in this Project Q-"

"Project G," Hollander corrected Shinra.

"Project G, Q, Epsilon, Zède, whatever. Look, in short, you two WILL get along. I am going to make it so." He gave both of them an envelope, which they opened their respective ones.

"A 50 Gil Moogledoo's gift card? Hey, there's a ticket to the Midgar Voloms/Corel Miners football game!" Hojo asked.

"I got the same too!" Hollander said.

"Yes. You two are going to have dinner together and enjoy a football game. Maybe you two will learn to get along if you do some male bonding. And they will ONLY be used on the day of the game, and together. I have contacted the owners of the restaurant and the stadium to make sure you are accompanied by a chauffeur to make sure you two are together when these vouchers are used, else invalid otherwise."

"I have to go to the dinner and game with him?" Hojo replied, glaring.

"Shit!" Hollander replied and glared back.

Boy do I feel sorry for the chauffeur, the President thought.

The chauffeur picked up both professors and off they went to Moogledoo's. The limo was rather fancy, with a bar in front of the side seats, where Hojo and Hollander sat, and one empty seat separating them. However, most of the trip was spent in silence. The chauffeur then opened his window to the back seat.

"Help yourself to the bar," he said.

Hollander opened up the cabinet and noticed mini bottles of liqueurs there. There was another compartment that was a refrigerator, with Wutai Ale and different wines...even a bottle of champagne.

"Ah, Banora White wine," He said, looking at the label, "I think this is based from the juice that General Rhapsodos made."

"Are you telling me that Genesis does something other than read that dribble? Nice to see he finally is putting LOVELESS down for once," Hojo said, "I never would have thought any of your crackpot experiments would do something productive."

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that," Hollander then poured a glass for himself as the other professor mixed together a drink.

"What in Ifrit are you drinking, Hojo?"

"It's a vermouth martini."

"How can someone so bitter drink-wait, never mind."

The two of them went silent again and enjoyed a drink or two until they got to Moogledoo's.

"Hi, welcome to Moogledoos! Kupo!"

A waiter in a striped vest, moogle pompom on head and enough pins and buttons to set off the metal detector at the Shinra building greeted the two professors and showed them to a table, and they still weren't talking much in spite of the time elapsed between pick up and entering the restaurant.

Until now.

"This place is stupid. Look at the tacky decor," Hollander said.

"These waiters look just as stupid with all their buttons. If they really wanted to stick something in them...well SOLDIER can use a few recruits," Hojo said with a snicker.

"Is that all you think about is injecting people with mako and those, oh, S-Cells?"

"Like your experiments are any better! Genesis with that goddamn book and Mr. Honor personified Angeal!"

"Hey! Don't you badmouth my s-"

"Welcome to Moogledoos," a peppy blonde waitress came up to their table with glasses of water.

"My name is Kiki, I will be your waitress! Shall I start you with some drinks, maybe some appetizers?"

"Just give us 2 dumbappletinis and a basket of chicken wings, please," Hollander replied.

"Coming right up!" Kiki then headed off and let the two scientists sit there in awkward silence until she returned with the chicken wings and drinks.

"Dumbapples...all about those stupid purple apples, Genesis is quite a fruity one isn't he," Hojo asked.

"Shut the fuck up and drink," Hollander replied. His dinner companion then did just that. He expected him to disapprove of this choice of beverage, but Hojo smacked his lips and savored it.

"Say...Hollander this isn't bad,"

"Really? You like it?"

"Yeah, I might get another one..."

Appetizers and a few drinks later, the two of then actually ended up...talking. Hojo and Hollander tired of the dumbappletinis and went quickly to dumbapple margaritas. The tequila made them sillier and sillier and instead of them insulting each other like usual, they were talking like old friends and laughing loudly.

"And that new recruit, he's got that spiky blonde hair like a chocobo!" Hojo laughed so loud that the rest of the restaurant glared daggers at him, and he wasn't the only target of their disdain.

"And that student of Angeal's? Please. It's like a puppy out of his kennel!" Hollander roared in laughter as another round of dumbappleritas came their way, along with the check, which the bearded scientist found odd, for they didn't ask for one. "Kiki, we'll be here for a while-"

"Actually we got a last minute reservation and we have no other tables," Actually, deep down inside, the waitress was not telling the truth. She was trying to get the two scientists out before any more diners complained.

"Ah, it's alright Holly," Hojo said, taking out his gift card as his colleague did, and paying whatever difference that was owed for the food. "Besides, we have a football game to attend."

The security guard looked up and down Hojo and Hollander as they entered the VIP seating at Shinra Stadium, then shrugged it off, figuring that they would be confined to the VIP section so everything would run smoothly at the football game.

"BAR WENCH," Hojo hollered, "I would like some of those...oh what do you call them, Costan Coladas?"

"Hojie," Hollander said, "That's no drink for a football game! You get a pint of Corel Lager..."

"Holly, I don't think we're in Corel anymore...where are we anyway? Midgar or Corel?"

"We are...oh, fuck it! Give him a pint of the Corel lager and Midgar Light...and the same for myself, puhweeese." Hollander then began to nearly fall out of his chair but caught himself, just in time to notice Hojo yell out "GO HOME TO MIDGAR YOU STOOPID VOLOMS!"

"Sir, this is Midgar, and here are your drinks," The barmaid said, setting down the beers then walking off, rolling her eyes.

"Well Holly, you are my very best friend. Let's do another football game next weekend!"

"You betcha, Hojie old pal!" They clinked drinks and chugged - not sipped, but chugged their beers...

Then they felt hands on their lab coat collars.

"I will have to ask you two to leave, there have been complaints about your behavior, and there is a policy against public intoxication at Shinra Stadium."

Hollander tried to look tough. "Who made that bullshit pol-"

"Your boss. Now, GET OUT."

"Fucking asshole, I really was looking forward to that game between the Junon Dolphins and the Canyon Cosmonauts," Hojo complained as he was shoved into the limo by the chauffeur, followed by Hollander sitting next to him in the limo."

"You are going home NOW," the chauffeur said, "And Hojo, stop reaching for the mini-bar!"

"Shit!" Hojo then flipped open his PHS and checked his voice mail, as did Hollander, who then started to make calls.

"Uhm Genra' Rhapsodos pleeezzzzeeee" He said, slurring. There was a pause. "INFINITE IN MISTEREE IS DEEE GIFF OF DEEE GUHDDEEHSSS, WE SEEK - wait, WHEEEEEEE! SEEK UPON-"

Click.

"Idiot," Genesis said, scowling, "If you're going to crank call me with LOVELESS, do it right!"

"Ooh ooh I'm gonna call someone," Hojo said, dialing a number. He then waited for someone to pick up."

"Turks Department, Tseng speaking."

"Tseng, is your refrigerator running?"

"Reno, god damn it is that you? I will have you suspended for illicit use of company PHS-"

"Better go catttccchhhh itttt..." Hojo heard the click from Tseng's end then started laughing hard, then the door opened and the chauffeur yanked the two scientists out of the limo.

"Next stop, Shinra building! Nice doing business with you two!"

Hojo and Hollander got off the elevator to the science floor and they entered the main lab. It took only seconds for them to start stumbling into things, such that test tubes fell on the floor and shattered. Hollander next stumbled into a gas tank which wobbled, but he caught it and it began to steady.

"Hojie, what the hell is this thing?"

"I dunno, it's just some gas or something..."

Hollander stared at the label on the tank. "Sullfuuhhrr Hexafloorridddee. Those are big words."

"Oh!" That gas makes you talk funny! Watch," Hojo then took a hit "How do I sound?" his voice, instead of it being higher as usual was really, really deep and almost demonic sounding.

"Uhm, doesn't your voice go higher? Like when you suck those balloons at kids parties?"

"Oh this is a different kind of gas," Hojo replied, his voice slowly returning to normal. "Here, try it, Holly." Hollander then took a hit and his already deep voice went deeper and scarier, the two of them rolling on the floor in laughter.

"Oh, this is classic! Wait...," Hollander then had a thought, "Let me have another hit."

Hojo gave him the tube and Hollander took some sulfur hexafluoride, then he dialed a number on his PHS, and waited until it rang...

"Hewley."

"ANGEAL WHERE'S YOUR FUCKING HONOR?"

Immediate hang up.

"Citizens of Midgar have complained of crank calls made to their phones, the calls especially targeting Shinra employees. The Turk department asks if you are the recipient of any of these calls to contact them. Dirk Dirkinson, Midgar Action News."

Sephiroth then turned off the TV in the SOLDIER lobby, then went to the training room.

"Speaking of which, I got a crank call this weekend from someone questioning my honor," Angeal said, shaking his head. "I didn't find it funny one bit..."

"Could be worse, could be someone who totally tainted LOVELESS and tried to recite it drunkenly."

"Morning boys..." Hojo said, passing by the 1sts with an ice pack on his head.

"Rough weekend, Professor?" Angeal asked.

"You don't want to know..."

"I heard you had a drunken weekend with Hollander," Genesis replied.

"That's crap. I wouldn't spend 5 seconds with that asshole..." He then walked off groaning from the hangover and then headed into the elevator. The doors then closed and he was off to the science department.

But that Hollander can fucking party He thought.


End file.
